Me and My Shadow

I looked, and looked, and this I came to see:
That what I thought was you and you,
Was really me and me.     – proverb

Things in our environment that

• bother us
• compel us
• upset us
• obsess us
• repulse us
• attract us

are usually reflections of our Shadow.

When do we become aware of the Shadow?

The discovery of the Shadow begins the moment we become dissatisfied with life. Something deep inside begins to awaken and has the potential to smash the stories we have been telling ourselves about our life.

This gnawing dissatisfaction is not a sign of poor adjustment to life, instead it is a good sign. It is an indication that we are finishing with a life of battles against fear, anxiety and pain, and opening to realize that a life worth living is one in which we know who we really are in the biggest sense possible.

What is the Shadow?

In everyday life, we have tendencies towards expressing ourselves through anger, joy, hostility, courage, aggression, interest, erotic impulses and competitive drive, for example. If we have been taught, through experience, that any of these are unacceptable, we may try to deny their expression.

But that is not possible.

When any of these tendencies are come up, but are unwanted, we deny ownership of them and instead see them in the environment. We project that same tendency we have but don’t own on someone or something in the environment. This projection is called the Shadow.

The Shadow can be as simple as seeing someone as critical and thinking how can they say those awful things, they only find the negatives. That thought in itself is a criticism of the other person.

How does the Shadow cause problems?

Projecting a Shadow complicates our relationships, especially our relationship with ourselves. When I feel pressure to get a whole list of things done, I am in touch with my desire and drive to do those things, since, after all, I am the one who made the list. When I pick one thing and start on it, my desire to do it is greater than my desire to not do it. But if I start to lose touch with that desire, I may putter around first, or get my supplies all organized and ready. My desire to do it is still stronger than my desire not to do it, but it is weakening.

Then if I forget that I am the one who has the desire and drive to complete the task, I may think that it is the expectation of my business coach, or my guests, or my spouse that the task be done. Then I have disowned the tendency, the drive to get it done, and the result is a projection on some other person.

Now, if I really did not have the desire to do the task, the whole situation would not have the same energy. I might decide not to do it, or to do it some other day. It would be no big deal.

So if my business coach emails me and asks how I am doing on the task, this presents as the same drive and desire as I originally had, and is a perfect opportunity to project the Shadow on her. An unconscious response to her would be something like: quit pressuring me to get this done, I will do it in my own time.

If I shifted into this mode of projecting my drive as the Shadow, I would feel that I had no desire to do the task. It would appear that my business coach was pressuring me to get it done. As uncomfortable as this would be, I would also insist that she was pressuring, and I would look for some way to prove that she was threatening me. I could go on a tirade that she was always expecting too much from me, etc, etc. There would be a strong resistance to hearing the truth that I had a drive to do the task. (Luckily this is not the case.)

When recognizing that the drive to do the task has been projected as my Shadow, then there is the opportunity to reclaim the desire. There is the realization that there is a great deal of drive and desire to do the task, coming from myself, not from the outside. Instead of resisting the task, I can admit that I really really do have the desire myself. Then I am empowered to decide whether to act on it now or postpone it. This replaces blame and pressure from the outside.

How can we recognize the Shadow?

Now, if my business coach had emailed me asking about the task, and it became a simple reminder to me to do it, I would not have a charged reaction. The signal from the environment would then be information, a reminder that something I have a desire to do is still something I have a desire to do. Then I would have no need to project anything, and I would not feel pressure. I would simply own the desire to get it done. No Shadow was created.

But any emotionally charged reaction is a sure fire signal that something has been disowned, and a Shadow has been created. We see something out there in the world as overwhelming, and it is only out there. The inner feeling of the Shadow is a distorted feeling. It has morphed into some other symptom like pressure, rejection, sadness, anxiety.

How does the Shadow persist?

When we fight this symptom, with the same intensity as we threw out the tendency when we projected it as Shadow, it persists. So there is a painful reminder that something has been disowned, only it looks like we are being attacked from the outside. To fight the symptom is simply to fight the shadow that the symptom is hiding, and what caused the problem in the first place. It is a no-win battle.

How can we transform the Shadow?

The way back to wholeness is to befriend these symptoms and give them space. By feeling anxiety, rejection, boredom, hurt, withdrawn, we begin to become aware of the energy. This energy is the original thing we disowned as the Shadow. So when we accept and simply watch a symptom such as anxiety, we then accept the majority of the Shadow concealed in that symptom. The problem tends to disappear.

If it doesn’t disappear right away, then we can work with the symptom and translate it back to the original Shadow energy. We must remember that the symptom is simply a signal of disowned energy. “I have to” become “I want to.” And who can argue with that?

It is not necessary to conjure up the original drive, excitement, or desire. It is already present when we feel pressured, anxious, or obliged. By naming those feelings with our original intent, we heal the Shadow. Then there is growth to be more of who we really are.

What are clues to translation of the Shadow?

Following are examples of translations of Shadow symptoms, thanks to Ken Wilber.

How is this a path to wholeness?

When we confront our Shadow, we take the initiative to re-own something that we have disowned.

Do you realize that every feeling actually comes with its opposite? They cannot exist without each other, like the two sides of a coin. We tend to only feel one side of the pair of opposites. When we integrate the pair, we accept and make room for all of our potentials, and accept all of our feelings. In this way, we can assume responsibility for our feelings and state of mind.

We can start to see that most conflict is not between me and you, it is between me and my projected opposites (my Shadow.) It is not something that is happening from out there to me, but something I am doing to myself as an exaggerated substitute for what I would really like to do to others.

People and events don’t cause us to be upset, these people and events are occasions to upset ourselves. What a relief to know that we ourselves are creating this! This gives us the power to translate the symptoms we are experiencing back to their original form.

This translation and re-owning process makes us the cause of our feelings, not the effects. And it allows us to integrate both sides of the feeling, which creates peace.

A Key to Re-owning our Shadows

There is a simple way to find and have a chance to re-integrate our Shadows. When we become aware of an intention, wish, or desire, simply assume the exact opposite of it. This is exactly how our Shadow looks at the world. This is the point of view we want to allow and befriend.

This most emphatically does not mean to act on the opposite. The awareness of it is enough.

For example, when we are uncomfortable with a particular feeling, we can become aware of that aspect which secretly enjoys it.

When we intensely dislike someone, we can become aware of what we like about the person.

When we are madly in love, we can become aware of the part that couldn’t care less.

Owning the Symptom

The Work of Byron Katie is an effective way to work with this in a structured way. She says “judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around.” Her website has all the instructions to do this.

In a nutshell, writing down your stressful situation is the first step to transforming the energy.
Example: Paul doesn’t listen to me about his health.

Then you investigate with four questions:

1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Invariably, everyone gets to the realization that it is not true. And they would be free, happy, and true to themselves without the thought.

Then come the turn-arounds:

Turn the thought around

a) to the self.
( I don’t listen to myself about my health.)
b) to the other.
( I don’t listen to Paul about his health.)
c) to the opposite.
(Paul does listen to me about his health.)

Then find at least three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is true for you in this situation.

There are lots and lots of tools to complete this work on her website. I highly recommend it if there is a stressful situation that is not resolving.

What about you?

Have you worked with your Shadow? What did you discover? Please share your experiences and make comments below.

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